According to my friend, im not in the stage of Depression anymore in the DABDA process (see previous post). So what is next? Its supposed to be Acceptance (the last A) but then again, my friend told me, its supposed to be AGAIN NOT ACCEPTANCE. That means, one has to go back to the first level or process which is Denial, which one of my good friends told me that I am in that stage, AGAIN. He said, I am in denial that I am finally over the fact that me and my ex are no longer together and that I am still in love with my ex. Yes, i am not denying i am still in love but i have come to accept the fact that we are no longer together. And that's the painful truth!

So, do people really repeat the process? Is the last stage, AGAIN or ACCEPTANCE? With the wisdom of my good friend who has never had any long term relationship nor a "quite" meaningful romantic relationship with someone (since most had been flirts, short time partners, or a game of who wants who), the whole process should be repeated with no definite end until someone is able to laugh at the experience and is able to let someone in. Or even accepting the idea of loving someone again with no strings, hang-ups, expectations, baggage, etc. etc. attached to this idea of loving someone again.

And yes, I may be in the denial stage. So what? At least, I am moving on... in my own terms.

It is only now that my heart got broken, again. And its only been like three years since my last relationship. And its only been a year since I fell in love again and seven months since i got into a relationship with the one i love. how sad can it be? i know there are a lot of people out there who have experienced something more sad than what i've been going through. But just give me this instance to wallow in self-pity and depression. As what i have learned in occupational therapy and psychology, there is this process of loss and bereavement which is called DABDA - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This does not only apply to losing someone to death but also losing something or someone that is important to us. Someone who has been a part, a big part, of our life. I think, i was able to go through the first three processes in a breeze. During at which we (me and my partner) was talking, I was like saying, "this is not happening, this is not happening!" up to the point that i got angry i went home late at night with the remote possibility of me getting a ride since i was in the province. And the bargaining part came in where i was planning to "do everything i could" for us to get back together. But sadly, reality crept in and depression came. I realized i was alone, walking on the national road, waiting for a bus to come. It was like a movie wherein, i was able to ride a bus after a long walk on the dark road (it was 1130 in the evening with no road lights since it was a province), and cried myself to sleep in the bus not caring whether the other passengers were watching me or taking a pity on me or even disgusted! Because i was really crying - not even sobbing or whimpering but not bawling. i woke up on the bus when i was near my destination (in the city) and felt like i was a zombie getting down, riding a cab, opening the house, not even paying that much attention to my baby Fritz (a 2 y/o german shepherd), then lying on the bed didn't even know if i was asleep or half-awake. but the question is, when do i get to the last part - Acceptance?

It has been one hundred and seventy nine days since i last blogged. funny that the last topic in my blog was about blogging again. Hahaha... and after seems like years, im here. blogging away again.

what do you think prompted me to blog again? is it because something happened? tragic? happy? sad? no idea? If you think about it, the reason why i am blogging again is because of the overused, so often misunderstood, and the elusive to many but not quite to some is the four letter word - LOVE.

Sad to say, i am writing because i just got broken-hearted. And i think this is enough reason for me to revive this since I do not have anything to "busy" myself with. And i would not have that person anymore to listen to my ramblings about life, work, and everything. so i am will start again writing about my dear life, work and everything for everyone to read except those people that i know of personally. Please feel free to give comments, reactions, advise or whatsoever.

So why start blogging again? As i've said, i just got broken-hearted. And it depends on the person how he or she will cope with it. For me, I write. I will be posting soon my experiences when i was with my partner until we have separated. I just need to pour everything out as a process for me to get over it and move on. but not necessarily forget the feeling and the person.

im blogging away again... this time, its for real.

It has been more than two months already since I last blogged in. The reason? I was on vacation for two months ONLY. That is why I was maximizing the time that I was back in Manila for all the the things that I used to do, used to eat, used to go to, friends to hang out with, family to have dinner with, baby Fritz to play with and of course, spend time with my special one.

And now, I am back here in Jakarta, I would be blogging all the experiences and accompanying feelings and emotions I had during my vacation in Manila. So all the future blogs here will be reminiscing of my vacation. so let's blog away again!

after eight straight days of drinking, tonight, i finally get to take a rest. This is not because i do not have any gimmick but I decided to take a rest. I think it is not good to overexert myself in drinking even though its vacation for me. right???

Out of the eight days of drinking and partying, 3 nights were spent with my "partner friend" while 5 nights were spent with my colleague friends (all nights which i went home with the sun shining brightly the next day). I actually missed going out with friends, drinking, dancing, partying all night until morning! Then sleeping for only five hours after which I go to another party or drinking session!

But for tonight, I am taking a break from drinking and partying. I will have a night's rest.

last saturday, i went to a bar - Alchemy, in quezon city with my friends at about 11 in the evening. Prior to that, I already consumed four big bottles of Red Horse Beer so I was a bit tipsy. It seemed I was not that strong of a drinker anymore. Was it because of the 6-months hiatus from drinking? Maybe.

When we got to the bar, the beer - San Miguel Strong Ice, was FREE flowing. So we just had to worry about our dance grooves (which we did not) and mingle and mingle. I had to dance and drink the night away at the bar! I was free!!!! I have not felt like that when I was in Jakarta. Well, its just because I did not go to bars in Jakarta. But if I had, I would feel out of place. At about two in the morning, we transferred to another bar - BED, this time in Malate. It was jam packed even if it was two already in the morning. Again, we had to dance and drink the night away. And of course, ogling at the beautiful bodies gyrating on the dance floor. It was at six in the morning when we had to go out and was surprised to see daylight!!! hahaha... anyway, we went to eat in a chinese restaurant near the bar since it serves good soup!!! a hot, delicious soup is always nice when you are drunk! I got home and slept until one in the afternoon.

I woke up and realized that I scheduled a drinking session with a friend of mine and some childhood friends. So I got up, took a cold bath thinking that it will help ease with the throbbing in my head - but no. At about two, we started drinking. And at about three thirty, Robert - my friend, wanted me to go with him and drink with his friends in the province - sta maria bulacan, which is 20 minutes drive from our place by taking the expressway - if Robert is driving. And yes, we drove there in 20 minutes because of his car which is by the way a very expensive and nice-looking Mercedes AMG. The acceleration is great, it can go to 160 from 60kph in just lest than 5 seconds!!!! wow!!! and the maximum speed is 280! Its just a bad thing there is no place in Manila where you can do the 280! We drank about 10 bottles each in bulacan aside from the four we had back in my place.

We got back to my place at about nine in the evening. And we had to drink at least one more bottle. At that time, I already knew about one of my "ex" being stabbed at the back saturday night by someone who just happened to have nothing to do. And I saw his older brother walking in front of the veranda so I had to ask John - a childhood friend, to ask about "Shotie's" condition. He said he's supposed to have surgery right away but the hospitals don't want to do it until they have money to use as a down payment. And they have been asking since the afternoon for it. So, as an impulse and out of my past relationship with Shotie and present friendship, I gave out 500usd for the downpayment - since they are not well off. And it just so happen I was there at the right time with the right amount of money.

And now, Im here, Monday morning, typing away... it seems like I am living the life --- drinking and smoking for two consecutive days.... and now preparing to go to another province with Mike where we will be living the "nature" life for the next three days. Yes, I think I am living the life and hopefully, Shotie will still be able to live the rest of his life fully.

its finally feels good to be back home.

actually, i arrived last saturday morning (november 24) at 7:20 after an hour and a half delay. It was because of the typhoon in the Philippines. Anyway, before heading back home, i had to drop by KFC and get some gravy which I miss so much. In jakarta, there is also KFC but they don't offer gravy.

Upon reaching home, I heard my baby Fritz, barking aloud. At first I thought, he does not remember me. But when I tried to touch him, he did not even try biting me and had let me nuzzle him! I cried!!!! He remembers me!!! So what I did, I gave him a bath, cleaned his ears, and played with him.

After lunch, I went to my grandfather and grandmother's mausoleum in the province to visit them. After 2.5 hours drive to and fro and an hour stay in the mausoleum, I went to the local department store to buy a cellphone since my old one is not working anymore and the other one is for my local roaming number. It was already seven in the evening and yet I still have to attend a birthday party of a friend of mine. Even though I have not had any sleep since the night of my flight, I still attended the party.

I also missed chatting and exchanging intrigues and gossips with my friends and updating each other with our lives..... face to face!!! And i missed drinking alcohol until dawn!!! I went home at around two in the morning and brought Fritz to my room to sleep beside me. I woke up at 430 to prepare for our trip to HOng Kong. Fritz, did not want to go out of the room and of the bed!! So i had to carry him out and down the living room where he will stay during my Hong KOng trip.

Again, I was cramming on what to bring to the trip. Just like now, I'm cramming on what to post here since I was not able to do any blogs when I arrived home and during the trip -- saved for another blog...

I am so happy..... l am finally home

finally..... the day of my departure back to Manila.... its only 10 hours, 9 minutes and 23 seconds....

I am now here at Starbucks in Pasaraya Grande... a mall in south Jakarta... just letting time pass by..... until I need to go to my next client. I am really excited going home. I can already feel the "small bites" of my baby Fritz (a 1.7 y/o german shepherd) and his smooth and silky fur! Hahahaha!

However, I don't know if my flight will land on time as there is a typhoon in the southern Luzon which is 10 hours drive from Manila. It seems that I will be arriving in Manila at the same time as Mina (international name Mitag) - the typhoon. HOpefully, not. So I can go home right away and play with my baby.

So, I need to go now... waiting for time to pass until my flight at 1205 am (november 24 already)... tick tack tick tack

I was supposed to wake up at three in the morning today just to finish so many paperworks before i leave for a vacation back in Manila. However, I overslept and did not hear my alarm mainly because I slept very late --- reason...... i watched hairspray the movie until 12 midnight! Urghh....

The other day, I woke up at three in the morning and tried to finish one of the reports i have to do. Luckily, I was able to finish it with the help of coffee and cigarettes. hahaha.... Now, I should just be thinking about getting the right "pasalubong" (something you give to your family or friends when you get back from another country or place). But NOOOOOO!!!!! I am still trying (meaning.... have not started on any new reports yet) to decide what to do first!! And OMG!!! I do have a list to do..... But nope.... still thinking of what to do first despite the list!!!!

am I really waiting for Friday to come so that I will have a very miniscule time left to finish the reports before I go? Gawd! Its been like this since I was in primary school as far as I can remember. But what the heck! I was able to stay in the creme' de la creme' of our batch when it comes to academics. And I was able to bag some academic awards during high school aside from the fact that I was able to finish college and pass the local and US state board exams. And now, I am a professional... still like a child when it comes to cramming... I should not be cramming anymore. I am and should be wiser than that!

But when I think about it, an SMS of a friend way back before, comes back to me which I think was based on a verse in the Bible. Its message to this effect is..... Whenever we are squeezed.... the juices come out." So, its like cramming..... we are squeezed with the time and just like oranges, we are still able to make something "sweet and fruitful" out of being squeezed! Hahahaha.... Nice isn't it? But yes, sadly, i always use this as an excuse for dilly-dallying! hahaha...

I guess, there are so many ups and downs when it comes to cramming. And I still don't have much time to finish the reports yes..... but I am still cramming? Does it show? I guess not coz im still writing a blog! hahaha.... cramming....

The last time I blogged the days I have left before I go to vacation and go back to Manila there were 63 days, 1 hour, 12 mins, and 36 seconds to go. And come to think of it now, it was just like yesterday that I started counting the days. Wow! Time flies fast!

And as of this writing, its only 8 days, 15 hours, 9 minutes, and 53 seconds to go!